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Call Your Congressman

Get off your ass. What are you doing right now? Are you really going to sit by and let this happen? That 15 tweet thread you’re cooking up, talking down on the people (inbred losers) from your hometown telling them why it’s problematic to vote for Kanye West can wait. I don’t have to tell you that you’re making a difference and changing the world because you already know you are. So come on superstar do the right thing, call your congressman and ask them to pass a law that makes it a felony to like a tweet from Barstool Sports. Enough’s enough. It’s time to lock every single person that likes Dave Portnoy in a cell. If your congressman won’t listen to you (you’re not wasting their time), perform a citizen’s arrest. It’s your right as an American. It’s in the constitution, ever heard of it? I’d ask them to perform public assassinations on every single person who has ever retweeted a Barstool Sports personality but I want to be reasonable. These people are undeniably the worst people to ever exist but they do (unfortunately) have rights.

You know it and I know it. There’s only one way to cover sports and it’s how they do it over at Vox Media and Deadspin. Number one, you have to study journalism which might sound like complete overkill to re-blog sports stories from reddit but you need it. This is the entertainment industry and we need gatekeepers and prerequisites to keep out the riff raff scum we wouldn’t let scrub the toilets in our houses. If you don’t have a degree in journalism (liberal arts degrees will suffice) you’re not allowed to talk about sports online. Number two, you have to like the idea of touchdowns and slam dunks but despise everything else about the landscape of professional sports (i.e. capitalism, toxic masculinity, players expressing themselves and/or smiling). Number three, and it’s most important. Recite this ten times a day. Comedy is not about jokes it’s about earnestly expressing your opinions on social issues. Sports is your vehicle to do this. It’s your job to weave sports into every single opinion you have on every hot button issue. People want to hear this.

For you, those are the only rules that apply. Everything else is fair game. If you’ve ever said something you regret that might be considered racist, sexist or homophobic, whip out that iPhone notes app and write an apology. You’ve changed and those words don’t count anymore because you’re a much different person now. That’s how words work, especially when you’re an adult. Those guys at Barstool? Fuck em, they have to carry that “joke” from 8 years ago to the grave and their fans do as well because a retweet basically means they said it too and that’s why we’re calling to lock them behind bars because we have integrity and it’s our job to be the hall monitors of the internet.

Okay okay, I’m projecting. I’ll admit it, I’m totally lost without homework. It gave my life meaning and purpose and I miss it. I just want to write a book report and have someone grade it. That A+ validated me and without it I dont know what to do. I wore a Harvard crewneck to high school everyday. I’d tell anyone that would listen it was my dream to go there but I didn’t have the grades and/or political connections to get in so I had to settle for Wellesley College. The only friends I’ve ever made were through forced school group projects. We never talked again after the project was turned in but the memories lasted a lifetime. As each member of the project left our GroupMe months later I stayed to keep the memories in my phone forever. Smokeshows of the day, saturdays are 4 the boys and gambling picks are trivial kindergarten bullshit that’s more harmful to our society than guns or cancer. It’s not fair they get more likes than me. I am smart and unique just like all of my colleagues that went to private colleges and align with me exactly on every single political issue. It’s why we need to come together to defeat the enemy.

Dave Portnoy is a terrorist and it’s our job to lock him up. Call your congressman today.

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