Get It Together McDicks

Ever since I’ve moved into a windowless AirBNB I’ve been making a conscious effort to make some improvements to the ole bag lifestyle. This has largely been due to the fact that living in AirBNB with no windows and no cable has been driving me nuts and making actually want to leave the house instead of ripping edibles and watching vine comps for hours on end with little human contact outside of harassing people over text and social media.

Leaving the house has forced me back into exercising regularly and eating less like a mutant. I’m not sure what I’ve lost weight wise but I feel less fat which is a big step in the right direction.

Tonight, however I decided to make an exception. With the Bowflex fiscal year ending on May 31, it’s been all hands on deck to get all my deals in. Today, I brought in the big one I had been waiting on all year. I sold fifty new Treadmills, two dumbell sets, one used rowing machine, two new exercise bikes and four yes four bowflex units to UCLA’s athletic department.

Now that my quota is crushed and there’s some new found cash rolling into my pocket I wanted to celebrate.

I popped an edible and fired up Uber eats and ordered a heaping ton of hot shit from McDicks. Shockingly, I’ve never ordered McDicks from UberEats because I have a principle to not get drive through food delivered to my house. Yes, I’m a bougie fat ass with principles. Not a slug of mutant like you freaks reading this. Due to my inexperience I did not realize McDicks puts these stupid ass stickers on UberEats orders.

To whoever the marketing jerkoff that came up with this idea I have two words for you


Know your clientele one time for me. If you’re ordering McDicks on Uber Eats your likely a lonely loser that’s too stoned to leave the house to make the sad trek to the second laziest method of pickup food outside Uber Eats, the fucking drive through.

I mean what the fuck are these stickers??

Yes McDicks I’m fucking estastic. Love being addicted drugs and not leaving my house. Staying in with little human contact is fucking terrific you assholes.

Going out is overrated. You know what else is overrated McDicks developing healthy habits. That’s why I eat your food. You know what else is overrated? Human contact, self education and having hobbies.

In summary, These stickers fucking suck and whoever thought of them should be shamed. If you order McDicks on Uber eats youre a sad person and your insecurities are being personally attacked by McDicks.

Hey McDicks fuck you


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