This weekend I’m making the dreaded trek back to the suburban wasteland called the Midwest for a fantasy draft in the illustrious Paul Walker Memorial Cup.
For starters, I can’t believe we’re hosting the draft in Chicago. Place would be a friggin third rate suburb in Boston. No winning sports teams, beautiful women or anything resembling a real city. I can guarantee without question I can outdrink and rattle off more http://www.BarstoolSports.com references than anyone in Chicago? Do you guys even know what Saturdaze r 4? Probably not because you’re graduates from The University of Iowa who are too busy getting cucked out of deals making 35k a year at some shitty recruiting job at Insight Global.
Do you know what 35k a year is to the number one refurbished bowflex salesman in America??? Fucking ash tray money. I make more money in interest every hour than these idiots will make all year. Guess the old sayings true, the rich get richer and iowa fucking blows. The only joking around I do in my workplace is joking around about how many bottles I’m going to get at the club tonight or how many chicks I’m going home with. If you don’t get bottle service you’re poor. It’s that simple.
Don’t worry guys those recruits at InsightGlobal aren’t blowing you off, they’ll definitely call you back. Fucking subhumans it honestly makes me sick. Chicago is loaded with people that think they’ve made it because they moved to a big city. Place is a refugee for idiots from Indiana and Iowa. First place these guys stop when they move in is the Lids store, have to buy a Schwarber jersey and a Cubs hat to let everyone know you made it living in a 25 bedroom, 1 bathroom unit in Wriggleyville.
Fun Fact: Did you know Chance the Rapper grew up in Chicago?
You can keep your deep-dish pizza, I’ll stay living in a civilized state in Boston.
Onto the main event,
One of the main items on our leagues weekend agenda is the Michigan vs Notre Dame football game. To put it bluntly, I hate Michigan and everything it means to be a “Michigan Man” and yell “Go Blue” in the most overrated venue in sports, The Big House and unfortunately our league is littered with Michigan grads. I cant think of two fanbases I’d like to spend less time around than Michigan and Notre Dame. It’s a matchup I’ve dubbed as the Cucks vs the Catholics.
(official merchandise available in the store)
Ive decided I’ll bite the bullet and need to have a dog in the fight. I’m rolling with Harbag and the Wolverines. Sorry Notre Dame fans, I still hate you. We can meet up and bond over how Rudy wasn’t real and hear my killer impression of the janitor from “Rudy.”
I’ve already loaded up 6 units on the Wolverines to cover. That’s like a month’s rent in Chicago. I’ve decided that we need to crank the stakes up so every day for this week we’re going to be loading up parlays with Michigan as the last game to try and get a crazy potential payout on the line for 9/1.
Here’s what we’ve got on the books for today. Updates to follow. Let’s get rich: