Monthly Archives: March 2018

Ben Simmons Is Officially Dead to Me

Ben Simmons is officially dead to me. I watched his Showtime documentary this weekend and needless to say he’s a total bag. This fucking clown is sitting in a studio surrounded by microphones whining about how he was exploited by the NCAA while he makes a movie about himself for a major television network. The irony.

Next thing I know, this bag steals my girl from me.

Tinashe is the hottest chick in the game that gets no recognition for being an absolute ten.

This is probably due to the fact that her music is not great and she has yet to receive any level of main stream success. Not even my buddies Metro Boomin or Young Thug could make Tinashe great.

Hey Tinashe, I’ve got a message for you…

You want to save your career all you have to do is one thing…

Make a song with Kaytranada and you’re a star.

Continue to make lackluster albums and you’ll only be known as the chick that’s boning Ben Simmons.

Back to old Benny boy, I’ve got two words for you buddy. POP OFF.

I’ve spent a ton of time in the past 9 months looking at your girl’s Instagram page. Tinashe has her fingerprints all over my spank bank and now I can’t even think about her without knowing she’s getting fucked by an overhyped loser who’s dick probably smells like a philly cheesesteak.

You’ve officially been added to my list of enemies. News flash, I don’t just conquer my enemies. I murder them. Isaiah Thomas…dead. Darren Rovell is scared to leave his cave once I uttered his name from my list, the entire Midwest is dying of hypertension right now as we speak.

enemies

You’re next buddy. Sleep with one eye open. And for Tinashe, as far as I’m concerned you’re damaged goods now. At least, I know I’ll always have Lisa Salters by my side

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Old Lenny Hamilton Murdered Me Last Night.

leonard-hamilton-march-madnessLenny Hamilton knew the spread last night and killed me. Murdered me, ran me over with his truck and had the motherfucking Florida State  racist mascot do the dumbass chop over my dead carcass while they lowered me 6 feet under.

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How the fuck you not foul against michigan, the worst free throw shooting team in the tournament, down 4 with 11 seconds left??? Quitters don’t deserve to win and thats why Beilein and the boys are heading to San Antonio and Lenny is back in Florida doing bath salts thinking of ways to legalize drugs in Hamsterdam.

Makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. Could the see the backdoor cover coming a mile a way when these phantom threes start falling for FSU and the slug Zavier Simpson can’t hit a free throw to save his life.

Michigan -4.5 has probably lowered my life expectancy by a few years and I blame it all on Lenny Hamilton. Lenny knew the spread and didnt want to piss off alums that had FSU +4.5 and send Duncan Robinson, the only wolverine that’s half way competent free throw shot, to the free throw line.

You murdered me Lenny, I hope you’re happy.

L Bags Picks of The Day (3/23)

Boom. We are rocking and rolling baby driving out of parlay city printing money like the us treasury baby. POP OFF. Don’t let me get hot. I might bankrupt the casino.

Villanova v Georgetown

Villanova -5.5 (-115)

Purdue -1.5 (-115)

Couldn’t just pick one, there’s a shockingly so many Purdue music videos, need a spotify playlist for all these bangers

Year to Date: (2-2-0)

L Bag Late Night Live Bet Chasing Losses Special (3/22)

I’m absolutely sick of this bitch Sister Jean dancing on my grave. Had three separate parlays come down to Tennessee -5.5 in the first weekend and Sister Jean fucks me. Trusting Rick Barnes that’s on me. Rick Barnes is a fucker and he’s dead to me. His coaching career should’ve ended when he couldn’t make it out of the first round of the tournament with Kevin Durant. Yes, you read that right Kevin motherfucking Durant a once and a generation scorer but Rick the Dick Barnes couldn’t make it out of the first weekend. 3rd times the charm and I will bet against whoever Loyola is playing in the elite 8 because I have a small brain and I want to defeat Sister Jean.

Toronto blew a huge lead last night and got daddy dicked by Lebron, bringing me to 0-2 over the past two days before that beautiful bastard John Beilein absolutely murdered the Over 136 line. I’m honestly questioning if Billy Kennedy watched a Michigan game all year. The formula to beat that team is to play bully ball and hope Stephen Ross doesn’t pay off the refs like in the Houston game, not let them tee off on you with open threes. But hey, maybe that’s why Billy is coaching and I’m cashing winners baby. POP OFF.

I’m 1-2 and my juices are flowing you know what that means. We’re going on a one way trip to parlay city. Chasing losses like you read about with live bets. Two ingredients that generally combine for disappointment.

We are rocking with:

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Kentucky live team total U 68.5 and

52453677.0

Gonzaga/Florida St Under 153.5

Parlay for +257. Let’s rock.

Year to Date: (1-2-0)

Tommy Wiseau Is Running a Boxer Brief Internet Scam and I Love It

(play this song while reading this post)

I’m late to the party but about a month and a half ago I discovered Tommy Wiseau watching “Disaster Artist” and “The Room” and needless to say I’m obsessed. Tommy is an electric character living in his own world. I love eccentrics and Tommy is the pinnacle.

I went to Tommy’s website  and saw the boxers on the front page and immediately popped on the 3 for 15.99 blue light special.

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This occurred on January 27 and I’ve yet to receive the boxers.

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Oddly, this transaction has made me like Tommy even more. The man is a mystery. The more I read about Tommy, the more I see conspiracy theories on where Tommy acquired his wealth to fund “The Rooms” 6 million dollar budget.

I would never guessed an online boxer brief scam. The mystery continues and as the plot thickens all I can do is enjoy the ride and continue to be entertained by the character that is Tommy Wiseau. I can’t knock the hustle

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