Monthly Archives: March 2018

L Bags Pick of the Day (3/28)

Charlotte -1.5

Year to date (4-3-0)

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Sound the alarm, L BAG Is Back

DONT LET ME GET HOT. IM BACK. MIGHT FUCK AROUND AND BANKRUPT THE CASINO BABY. FEED ME WOMENS BASKETBALL LINES. ILL RIDE THE MUFF UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME BABY. POP OFF.

MAKE SURE SISTER JEAN’S LIFE ALERT HAS FRESH BATTERIES BECAUSE L BAG CAN SMELL BLOOD AND IM COMING FOR THAT ASS BABY!!

POP OFF

MICHIGAN IS THE L BAG BLOOD BANK, SELL YOUR CAR, SELL YOUR KIDNEYS, BET THE HOUSE, MORTAL LOCK OF THE DECADE BABY.

I COULD GIVE A SHIT THAT GOD IS ON LOYOLAS SIDE. MY HEART IS BLACK AND ALL I CARE ABOUT IS CASHING WINNERS BABY. SISTER JEAN CAN POP RIGHT OFF BABY.

YEAR TO DATE (4-3-0)

 

L Bag’s Pick of The Day (3/26)-Muff Diving to San Antonio

I took yesterday off the gambling train after that motherfucker Lenny Hamilton buried me. I took an edible last night and wiped my brain of any remaining brain cells/losing mojo so today we are rocking and rolling and are back, better than ever.

I’ve been consulted by high school friends to provide guidance into tonight’s NCAA Women’s Basketball slate to help fund their trip to San Antonio to watch their beloved Michigan Wolverines play in the final four.

First things first, I hate Michigan mainly because of Mo Wagner, his tongue and because I’m a grudge guy that will hold a grudge forever after they denied my application. The only way Mo can redeem himself to me is if he put his tongue to good use and licks the side of Sister Jean’s face like Rick James on Chappelle’s Show.

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As the undisputed ‘King of the G League’ I’ll have to learn to like Wagner because he’s going to bring an international appeal to the league that we desperately need. Watching the Big Ten Tournament was like G League porn just thinking about the future battles between Isaac Haas and Moe Wagner. I’m salivating right now as I write this…

After reading that you’re probably wondering am I salty that I went to a blue-blood school that hasn’t sniffed a final four and these fuckers are walking to the championship game playing a 9 seed in the elite 8 and a 11 seed in the final four??? You better believe am I. All I have to say is that if you don’t believe your personal net worth is determined by how much Bitcoin you own, the amount of bets you won or how well your alma matters basketball team does in March Madness you probably went to clown college.

Fun Fact: Indiana had an opportunity to hire Beilein over Kelvin Sampson but didn’t because they thought he was “too old”…

Thanks a lot Bart Kaufman.

Atleast we got Tom Crean years later, because just like the old saying goes, final fours are temporary but memes last forever.

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Onto the picks…

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UCONN destroyed South Carolina early in the season and is likely influencing the massive -18.5 line. Geno Auriemma’s real name is Luigi and I personally refuse to trust him until he goes by Luigi. For that reason, I’m out. UCONN only beat Duke in the sweet 16 by 13 points where they had massive matchup advantages over Duke particularly in the post. When I wasn’t distracted by the love of my life Lexie Brown…

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I was noticing weakness on the inside that A’ja Wilson will likely exploit for the Cocks. To put it simply, 18.5 is a shit ton of points to give UCONN playing against South Carolina. Unless, UCONN comes out with a massive chip on their shoulder after South Carolina stole a title from them last year I’d stay away from this matchup.

I’m all over Notre Dame -3. Oregon’s a fraud team. They have had an incredibly easy road up until this point playing against a 15, 11 and 10 seed to get to the elite 8. If my guy Kevin McGuff wasn’t a total bum he would be in this game.

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Sidebar: McGuff is a fraud and I hate him. Guy looks like a poor man’s Jimmy Fallon. No one consistently does less with more talent than Kevin McGuff. Kelsey Mitchell not making it past a Sweet 16 is a tragedy. The Buckeyes have underachieved with arguably the best scorer in the country and a roster littered with 5 star transfers year after year and this should be an indictment of McGuff’s coaching abilities. Guy sucks, plain and simple.

Muffet McGraw doesn’t fuck around in March. She hates men that like women’s basketball but I love her. Plain and simple The Muff is a certified bad bitch, and when she pulls out the stilettos it’s game time baby.

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POP OFF.

Arike Ogunbowale and Jackie Young are going to be feasting on Ducks tonight. I’m all over Notre Dame -3, betting two tanks of gas on the Irish.

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We are Muff Diving all the way to San Antonio baby.

POP OFF.

Year to date (3-3-0)

Ben Simmons Is Officially Dead to Me

Ben Simmons is officially dead to me. I watched his Showtime documentary this weekend and needless to say he’s a total bag. This fucking clown is sitting in a studio surrounded by microphones whining about how he was exploited by the NCAA while he makes a movie about himself for a major television network. The irony.

Next thing I know, this bag steals my girl from me.

Tinashe is the hottest chick in the game that gets no recognition for being an absolute ten.

This is probably due to the fact that her music is not great and she has yet to receive any level of main stream success. Not even my buddies Metro Boomin or Young Thug could make Tinashe great.

Hey Tinashe, I’ve got a message for you…

You want to save your career all you have to do is one thing…

Make a song with Kaytranada and you’re a star.

Continue to make lackluster albums and you’ll only be known as the chick that’s boning Ben Simmons.

Back to old Benny boy, I’ve got two words for you buddy. POP OFF.

I’ve spent a ton of time in the past 9 months looking at your girl’s Instagram page. Tinashe has her fingerprints all over my spank bank and now I can’t even think about her without knowing she’s getting fucked by an overhyped loser who’s dick probably smells like a philly cheesesteak.

You’ve officially been added to my list of enemies. News flash, I don’t just conquer my enemies. I murder them. Isaiah Thomas…dead. Darren Rovell is scared to leave his cave once I uttered his name from my list, the entire Midwest is dying of hypertension right now as we speak.

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You’re next buddy. Sleep with one eye open. And for Tinashe, as far as I’m concerned you’re damaged goods now. At least, I know I’ll always have Lisa Salters by my side

Old Lenny Hamilton Murdered Me Last Night.

leonard-hamilton-march-madnessLenny Hamilton knew the spread last night and killed me. Murdered me, ran me over with his truck and had the motherfucking Florida State  racist mascot do the dumbass chop over my dead carcass while they lowered me 6 feet under.

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How the fuck you not foul against michigan, the worst free throw shooting team in the tournament, down 4 with 11 seconds left??? Quitters don’t deserve to win and thats why Beilein and the boys are heading to San Antonio and Lenny is back in Florida doing bath salts thinking of ways to legalize drugs in Hamsterdam.

Makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. Could the see the backdoor cover coming a mile a way when these phantom threes start falling for FSU and the slug Zavier Simpson can’t hit a free throw to save his life.

Michigan -4.5 has probably lowered my life expectancy by a few years and I blame it all on Lenny Hamilton. Lenny knew the spread and didnt want to piss off alums that had FSU +4.5 and send Duncan Robinson, the only wolverine that’s half way competent free throw shot, to the free throw line.

You murdered me Lenny, I hope you’re happy.

L Bags Picks of The Day (3/23)

Boom. We are rocking and rolling baby driving out of parlay city printing money like the us treasury baby. POP OFF. Don’t let me get hot. I might bankrupt the casino.

Villanova v Georgetown

Villanova -5.5 (-115)

Purdue -1.5 (-115)

Couldn’t just pick one, there’s a shockingly so many Purdue music videos, need a spotify playlist for all these bangers

Year to Date: (2-2-0)

L Bag Late Night Live Bet Chasing Losses Special (3/22)

I’m absolutely sick of this bitch Sister Jean dancing on my grave. Had three separate parlays come down to Tennessee -5.5 in the first weekend and Sister Jean fucks me. Trusting Rick Barnes that’s on me. Rick Barnes is a fucker and he’s dead to me. His coaching career should’ve ended when he couldn’t make it out of the first round of the tournament with Kevin Durant. Yes, you read that right Kevin motherfucking Durant a once and a generation scorer but Rick the Dick Barnes couldn’t make it out of the first weekend. 3rd times the charm and I will bet against whoever Loyola is playing in the elite 8 because I have a small brain and I want to defeat Sister Jean.

Toronto blew a huge lead last night and got daddy dicked by Lebron, bringing me to 0-2 over the past two days before that beautiful bastard John Beilein absolutely murdered the Over 136 line. I’m honestly questioning if Billy Kennedy watched a Michigan game all year. The formula to beat that team is to play bully ball and hope Stephen Ross doesn’t pay off the refs like in the Houston game, not let them tee off on you with open threes. But hey, maybe that’s why Billy is coaching and I’m cashing winners baby. POP OFF.

I’m 1-2 and my juices are flowing you know what that means. We’re going on a one way trip to parlay city. Chasing losses like you read about with live bets. Two ingredients that generally combine for disappointment.

We are rocking with:

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Kentucky live team total U 68.5 and

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Gonzaga/Florida St Under 153.5

Parlay for +257. Let’s rock.

Year to Date: (1-2-0)

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